life love relationships

wow so looking for a house is a pain in the rump! We've looked and looked and looked some more. It seems like at this point we'll never find anything we can agree on. on the upside we now we can get a loan for up to 100,000. Thats enough for a house and a decent wedding. Although at this point it seems like we will never be married. Here lately it seems like all we do is fight and argue. I miss the days when we barely bickered. now it seems like daily there is some sort of argument, and over the pettiest of things! I love him to death but I wish we could get back to us. Back to that ... feeling we used to have, to the way we used to be. I can not wait until we are able to finally say I DO but it seems like that day will never come. as much as we fight why would we get married. at least thats how he put it to me. I remember when we used to be able to finish each others sentences and now it seems like were not even on the same wave lengths.

It all comes back to losing Serenity. We never had problems like this until after we lost her. Its like we cant seem to get through losing her. like its always right there and no matter what we do it wont get better. I know it will one day but what if that day doesnt come soon enough and we end things never knowing what could have been. I miss the love we had. i miss the realtionship we had. i know we will never get back to that exact point. weve been through way to much to be the people we once were. god do i miss him though. i miss his laugh his smile his humor. i miss the comfort and ease we had with each other. right now it seems like were always on edge and ready to rip each others throats out. idk.

im hoping that as we continue to look for a house and continue to work on our realtionship things will get better for us. lord knows they cant get worse then what weve already been through. well it could but that possibility includes death and im not willing to think about that. i love him to death and cant imagine life without him.

i am starting to ramble and jump from topic to topic. im going to bed. all this rain is making me drowsy.  

it's been too long

Wow so much has happened since i last posted. I'm sitting outside of work waiting to go kn and I'm thinking about this past year. Its been a long rough year. But I think things are atarting to look up for us. I finally got a job!! Thank god!

We ser off balloons on August 4th. Which would have been setenity's due date. We put papers in the balloons explaining what happened and to email us if someone found the papers. Still no emails but I'm staying hopeful. Justin and I have come along way. It is still hard everyday  knowing our baby will never be in our ams or that we will never be able to watch her grow up. But thats ok because she wil forever be watching us grow up. I think it may be getting a little easier every week deing with her not being here but I still have my days where I don't wantbto get ot of bed because ita just to much to handle.

Justin and I have decided to buy a house. And no babies until wevare both ready. Guess what...km ready . He's not and I promise to wait til he's ready. Forever and always baby. Just dont take 10 years lol.

I think 3-5 will be along enough wait. I've decided that this to e around wee doing everything the way its supposed to be done. Diet exercise meds everything will be by the book as much as possible. I'm looking forward to the day when we can finally enjoy our own precious little bundle but until then
.. I have a niece due in 4'weeks that I can enjoy. I can't wait to meet Mattie Elizabeth. She's just what this family needs . A breathe of fresh air all wrapped up in a precious pink bundle.

Well its time for work.

Keep your head up and smile bright. Dream big and put your life, hopes, and dreams kn gods hands.

Emotional

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I got my feelings bruised a bit, I guess that would be the best way to put it. For the past 2 weeks I have been staying with my mom and little sister while Justin stays with his parents. We have been waiting for his bonus check so that we can get our own place. Which thankfully comes in this Friday! Now don't get me wrong I love my family, I adore them! Family, to me, is the most important thing in this world. But I can't take living with them to much longer. I want my own bed, my own place, a place for my daughter to roam free and I won't have to worry about her messing up someone else's things. ( I know my Mom wouldn't be upset if Bella broke something but I lived with my Dad to long. If Bella went near ANYTHING he was essentially bitching at me to get her away from it. ) I want to not be seperated from the love of my life anymore. Most important I want to stop living out of a damn suitcase and being made to feel unwelcome in my own MOTHER'S house. The sad thing is, it's not my Mom making me feel this way. It's my little sister. I live out of a suitcase right now, does she really think that her little comments help me any right now? She may be joking and everyone else may believe she is joking but I don't. Even if she is, it's cruel. It doesn't matter how many times you remind her that she was once in the same situation, she doesn't care. All she wants is her space back and OUR mom back to herself. In my opinion!

It seems like every few days she makes some sort of comment and I just think " really, I'm going through so much and your going to add your petty comments on top of it?" I mean seriously sit back and think about this... She has her own room with all of her stuff in it, mine's in a friends shed. She has her own bed, mine is in my fiance's room WITHOUT me. She has the comfort of knowing her home is here regardless of her temperment, I don't feel that comfort anymore BECAUSE of her. I sometimes feel that if I piss her off it is going to create a major argument and Mom's going to say you need to find somewhere else to stay. I know she wouldn't but thats how I feel. I feel like I can't even have a private conversation with my Mama because everytime I think I can start one Shelby comes barging in and it's her house so who am I to tell her to go away.

I need some time to heal from the wounds that are split wide open on a daily basis.
Her comments, break my heart. It reminds me that I have failed my daughter in providing for her.
Certian songs that come on the radio, tears me up inside because I think of Serenity.
Not having Bella this past week, my choice I know, breaks my heart because I feel as if they look at me and think i'm horrible for letting Bella go to her daddies for the week.
I am a grown woman, I should not let the comments of a 15 year old affect me so much. But the opinions of my family matter to me, for whatever reason, they do.
I dont want to feel as if I have failed them, my daugher or more importantly myself!

On top of everything else, my Father called Mama in one of his drunk moods and decided to try to start more drama. According to him I have been getting unemployment for over a month now, and Justin has already recieved his bonus check and just doesn't want to live with me. I will NEVER understand how that man honestly believes three quarters of this SHIT that comes out of his own mouth! I told Mama that I can pull up the website that shows my benefit information, it shows how much I get a week, and what days I have to make a claim on. It also shows that NO benefits have been awarded to my account as of this moment. If Justin's bonus check had come in do you honestly think he would still be living with his parents? NO! He doesn't like family, he hates living with his parents. Whether he wanted me with him or not he still would not be staying with his parents if he already had his bonus check.

I hate that pathetic worthless drunk!!!!! There I have said it. It doesn't matter what I do with my life it will never be enough to satisfy him. No matter who I am with they will never be good enough for him. No matter how I raise MY daughter it will never be to his standards. Because I choose to have a life and not sit at a bar in my house and drink my self silly makes me a bad person. I have gone back to school to make something of my life. Yes I have no job right now, guess what it is through no fault of my own! I have looked relentlessly, nothing has turned up as of yet. I seem to recall him being unemployed for SIX months and he didn't go out looking everyday. At least I make the attempt to look. He will forever believe whatever he wants to. That's his problem, it is no longer mine. I am through with trying to please someone who will never be happy. He must first become happy with himself and his own life before he will be happy for others. The choices he made in life are his own and I will not pay for them by dealing with his sour moods and drunken rambolings. No longer will I deal with that. He is my Father and I will love him til the day I day but I do not have to  put myself through dealing with his pathetic misery.

Not all of us are perfect, hell NONE of us our. He I believe qualifies for being one of the worse. How can you tell your own child that they are lazy, worthless, a liar and a thief? Your house was always kept clean, MY room that I PAYED for may not have always been clean but you didn't have to look at it. I showed him that I was going back to school but he chooses not to believe. That's ok though because the day I graduate he is the one who will be missing out. I know that even though I will invite him, he won't show up. He'll be to busy sitting at his bar in front of the tv getting drunk. Because he chooses not to believe what multiple people have told him about others being in his home, I am the liar and thief for things going missing that I have never touched. But because he didn't see or hear it, I am the bad guy. Whatever! I'll take the blaim if it makes you feel better. It's just one more brick added to the wall that is being built between us.

Since I was a little girl my one wish has been that he would make my wedding cake. He is capable, more than. He has many talents but waste them to stay a lonely drunk. As much as it breaks my heart, he won't be the one to make it. He won't even be at my wedding if I have anything to say about it. Our wedding specifically has no alcohol at it BECAUSE of him. WE don't want OUR day ruined because of his and others drinking and causing a scene. But I know him.  He would come with a cooler and a six pack and still ruin my day because his beer is more important than giving me one day. One day with a father who is sober. One day with the father that I once had, even though it was a brief time.

Opinions though are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink! So let him have his opinions of me and my loved ones. We all have our opinions about him, sadly most of them are fact too. My life will go on. My daughter's life will go on. MY future children's life will also go on. They are better off not knowing a man who prefers the bottle and misery to his family and happiness. They and I are better off than to associate with someone who would tear you down instead of help build you up. I am an adult, I respect my parents as they have taught me to do so, as the Bible has taught me to, but I no longer have to take his hurtful cruel words.

I also no longer have to take my sisters comments and will be very glad to let her know this the next time she opens her mouth. I am working on getting back to who I was. I am NOT  this weak and timid person. I AM a strong willed woman. I am no longer going to take others crap bcause they feel as if they can walk all over me. I am not a door mat. The things I have been through in life have made me a strong person. The woman who raised me, made me a strong person. I promise you Mama I am going to be that person again. It may take time but I will get back to the old me. I rather miss that girl! I know what I want out of life an I know how to get it. If you don't agree with me and my life choices, thats your own choice. But at least love me enough to let me make my own mistakes and don't tear me down. I am going to face life head on and with a feirce attitude. I am no longer going to just take it lying down. It is my turn to show the world what I am made of. God help them all! You may not like the person that you will see in the very near future but guess what, I don't care! It's who I am, who I was raised to be. I will be that person again!

Blah

So the past couple of days I have pretty much spent my day playing the ps3, I beat the game I was playing at least. I've had alot on my mind lately so I guess that has been my way of escaping. Hopefuly this time next wek we will FINALLY have our own place. At least by the end of next week would be nice. I love my Mom, Josh and Shelby but I want our own place. I want my own space! I miss seeing Justin very single day. I know I have said alot I hate having him up my butt all the time but I truly miss being with my love every second possible. I miss sleeping in the same bed as him! I don't have any one to cuddle with. Sorry but it's kind of creepy to cuddle up to your sister lol. 

Serenity has been on my mind alot lately, more so than normal anyways. It's been easier to think about her and the short time we had with her though. The pain is lessening some everytime I think about her, talk about her or say her name. Even looking at pictures from when I was pregnant is becoming easier. I don't think it's apparent to others I was pregnant, actually for most I know it isn't, but I know I was.

I think since I have vocalized that I ant some sort of memorial that it is making it easier to accept. I know she is not coming back. I fully realize that but like everyone else I have those moments when I wish she could/would. I think since making myself admit I want a memorial of some sort for Serenity it has forced me to fully comprehend that she is gone. I also fully believe that if I have somewhere I can go to that it will help. I need somewhere to put flowers. I need somewhere so that it is recognized that she was a person. That she was born and died. That our baby was here. She made her mark on our lives and will never be forgotten to us. I don't want her forgotten to others either.

I know for us and our immediate family and friends she will never be forgotten. They may not have been able to see her as we did, which for some I am grateful, but they witnessed the physical changes and felt her move inside of me. I remember nights when Justin and I would lay in bed for hours and he'd have his hand on my stomache just waiting for her to move and she wouldn't, until he pulled his hand away. Almost everytime she did that. I always thought it was hilarious. There were plenty of times that she kicked his hand horribly as if it was aggravating her territory, it was cute. I remember the first time I felt her mofe, I was in the shower and washing my belly and she started squirming. It was the best feeling getting to feel her move for the first time. I remember trying to sleep at night and being kept up all night because I wouldn't lay the way she wanted me to. She would kick forever untill I layed on my back, then she'd quiet down and then I could sleep.

I remember how we used to rub cocoa butter on my belly and sides everynight and how Bella would help us. Justin used to kiss my belly all the time and Bella started doing it to. She used to rub my belly to. I miss those moments but I cherish the memories. Serenity's lifetime was not that of a regular person. She did not get to live to be old. But instead she will be preserved forever in her youthful beauty. I can only hope that the next go round will turn out a healthy baby. I can only hope that I never tarnish Serenity's name and will always be able to make her proud of us. I can't wait to be able to tell Bella about the little sister she never got to meet but already loved. I hope to one day be able to raise more awareness for Acrania so that others may one day be able to prevent their pregnancy from ending in death and grief.

Serenity

I have so much grief pent up inside me. I feel as if I must be strong for maybe one to many people. I have no where to go visit her. No grave site, no memorial bench, tree or garden. I feel that maybe if we had a headstone or some sort of memorial then maybe I could get through this process better.

I've been thinking alot lately about looking into a headstone for Serenity. Something sweet and simple, just as she was. Something that simply states:

Serenity Grace Dirghalli
Born & Passed on
March 11, 2011
2:46 am  - 2:50 am

In our hearts forever.
Mommy & Daddy will
always love you &
never forget you


Sweet and simple. The more I think about this idea the better it sounds to me. If I just had somewhere to go. Some sort of acknowledgment that she was someone. That I am not just grieving a dream or a thought. Something to let the world know that my baby girl was here, even if just briefly. I haven't brought this idea up to Justin yet but I have a wonderful feeling he would go along with it. Even if he didn't want to he would do it for me. He would understand that I need something somewhere showing that she exist. I so desperately need something.

I spent the day with my baby sister today. Schools out so we enjoyed our time together. We walked up to the store and got a drink then walked across the street to the cemetery where our great aunt & uncle is buried. After we located their grave sites, with a beautiful headstone btw, we walked around looking at other sites. Yes some will say this is morbid but I think it's nice to walk around and wonder what these peoples lives must have been like. As we were walking we also picked up some of the fallen flowers, gifts, and flags that the wind has recently knocked down. One of the sites that Shel fixed was that of an infants. I almost started crying. Shel had made a comment about how she thought sometimes the parents just forgot about their lost children because some of the sites looked like they had not been visited in a while. Old flowers and treasures and such. I told her No baby you never forget. It eventually gets easier to remember and be at peace but you will never forget. Then I told her about my idea for a headstone for Serenity. She agrees that it's a great idea. She thinks it will help everyone if there could be a place for us to go to see Serenity.

I think I will soon be looking into what it takes to inter just a headstone in the cemetery. We never had a chance for a funeral because we donated Serenity's body to the pathology department. With hopes that one day there is a cure. Or a method of prevention besides taking folic acid constantly.

Today

I think today has been one of my better days. I didn't get extremely sad thinking of Serenity. I felt at peace more so than anything.

I often sit and wonder who decides how your life is going to turn out. Is it God or just destiny? Are our paths predetermined or do we determine it based on our decisions in life?

I sit back and I look back on my life and I think that maybe we determine our own path. I don't think that someone could be so cruel as to predetermine the rape of a child or the death of your child. I think that maybe by each decision we choose we alter the course that MAY have been planned for us.

I was told all my life I would amount to nothing more then barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. i have worked my ass of to NOT become this person. I had my oldest daughter at 19. Which in my family, at least on my Moms side, is a miracle. I did not graduate high school BUT did get my G.E.D, which is more than most of the women in the family did. I have started college, actually on week 7 now. Again more than ANY of them did. I may be unemployed but that will only be temporary, I hope.

I had my second daughter at 21, but lost her due to a rare birth defect ( read previous blog). But I would not change anything in my life. I have become a strong woman due to the things I have endured. I know that I can handle anything that is thrown my way. The old saying "God only gives you what you can handle," is so very true. My girlfriend told me the other day that she doesn't understand how, outwardly, I am handling losing Serenity so well because she would have cracked like an egg by now. I just smiled and said I'm getting through it.

I am missing my baby today. She is spending the week at her daddies. I know she is having a blast with her nana and puppies and kitties but I miss her something aweful. I can't wait until she comes home Tuesday. She is my world and honestly she is what pushes me to do better. To be better. She is what has driven me through this horrible time. Knowing that I have her to care for made me kind of realize that I can't stay in a funk forever about Serenity. I will never forget Serenity, for as long as I live I will NEVER forget her. But Bella is here, and if I don't shake off this funk I am going to wake up one day and she is going to be grown and no longer my little baby.

I feel like I am rambling today but I am thinking that maybe that is what I may need today. I have many thoughts running through my head and it seems to be all settling down since I started writing this blog.

I have to start researching some different grants and scholarships. Otherwise I am going to have an ample amount of loans to pay off when I get out of school. I really don't want to come out of school in debt any more than is absolutely necessary. I will only have a certian amount of time to pay them off and I really don't want to have more than 5k in loans and even that is WAY to much.

ok well off to shower and then start looking things up or maybe vice versa. Probably vice versa. I have to stay up with my little sister tonight so she doesn't loose her allowance and therefore her permit this week. She opened her mouth and bet Mom she could stay up all night.Mom said i'll take that bet but you have to stay up until I go to work at 9 am. :) Hopefully she will win otherwise she doesn't get to go get her permit this week.

ok seriously i'm off to do research now. lol

My first

If you have run across my little corner then thank you. If you have taken the time to stop and read than and even bigger Thank You is in order. I tend to ramble and maybe go into to much detail or sometimes not enough. At times my blogs will not make sense to anyone, even me, but there are just times that I have to write out what is bouncing around in my head. Once I do this I am able to think more clearly.

Going through my mind is this:

I am 21 years young. In my 21 years I have endured many things, good and bad. I have known the love of a parent who gave her all. I have known the feeling of not being wanted from another parent who was at times to selfish to think of anything or anyone but himself and his habbits. I have met many wonderful people that I gladly call my bestfriends, sisters, family. I hold these few people very dear to my heart. I have known what it is like to be in a happy and loving home and I have known what it is to be in the home of a miserable marriage with a person to absorbed in his own habits to notice his family. I know what it is like to live with the shame, fear and humiliation of being a rape victim at the age of 6 I learned what this was like. I also know what it is like to be dismembered from half of your family. I remember the look in the eyes of some when my life did not go the way they wanted, but the way I wanted. I remember the joy of finally knowing I have found someone who loves me and who I love whole heartedly. I remember the day I found out about Bella, my vivacious, demanding 2 year old princess. I remember the day we brought her into this world and the sheer amazment of how truly beautiful she was and still is. I also remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Serenity. I remember the crippling day we found out we were going to lose Serenity because of a flaw in nature.

This brings me to the reason I even have a blog. I was doing an assignment yesterday and it was to recall a time when something happend that you wanted to be true/false. I picked the day we found out that Serenity wouldn't be with us much longer. I desperatly wanted for it to be false. That maybe the sono tech had screwed up and didn't know any better. I prayed that the doctor screwed up to, even seeing before my eyes that our precious angel was not fully developed and seeing that her skull had not formed I wished desperately for it to all be false. What Serenity had is called Acrania. I needed to find the other word associated with acrania which is anencephaly, when I looked this up on google I ran across  this blog site which featured a family who over the past couple of years went through the same thing. I think that her page may have been a God send.

I remember that in the begining of February we set an apointment for the 3rd week of March to find out the sex, size and date confirmations. This same day in February we did all of my blood work. Three weeks later the results came back. one of blood levels came back astonishly high. Its the level that detects if your child may have a birth defect of some sort. There are cases when this level comes back high and it is a flase negative or it just means that you amneotic sack is leaking which still is not good. This level is never supposed to go above a 2. Anything above that is slightly worrisome but mine ( a 7.9) was too high. We were prepared to have a disable child, or to find that it was just a false negative. We were not prepared for diagnoses we recieved. On February 28th we found out my levels were too high. We moved our sonogram appointment to March 9th. This day, in my mind, has become known as D Day....
Dooms day
Diagnoses day
Death Day

We found out that Serenity had a rare birth defect call Acrania, her skull had not fully closed and she only had 1/3 of her brain. She had no brain activity. Her movements were bcause of me. Her beating heart was because of me. The second she would be born she only had moments to live because she would no longer be connected to me. I was literally what was keeping her alive. The sonogram tech was already talking very little. We were so excited because we were trying to keep all thoughts positive. How naive of us. When the sono tech started looking around her face sort of changed. I knew from my sonogram with Bella that this was not normal. The woman suddenly stopped talking and excused herself to find the doctor. This part i found normal because with Bella the tech then had to get the doctor also but she was new, which I did not find out till later. Anyways, the tech went and got our doctor who looked over everything she had already taken pictures of. I knew from his facial expressions that something was wrong. I was expecting a birth defect, not death. He went very silent, put the wand back in its stand, asked me to sit up and said I am very sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but ( sighs, pauses) your child will not live past birth it has Acrania.. I remember feeling faint and grabbing my finace and holding on very tightly.

As I was bawling, he gave us a few minutes so we could have a moment to ourselves. He came back in about 5 minutes later and explained what the condition was. He askd if we would like to see what he saw and we agreed. He showed us our little girl and her lack of skull formation. He explained again that none of this was our fault that it is like a fluke in natures design of things. He gave us a few minutes to I could clean up and get dressed and then we met him in his office. He again apologized for our soon to be loss and having to be the one to tell us. He explained what it meant, that there was no known reason as of yet what causes it and what our options would be. Carry to full term, induce labor, or have an abortion. At this point we were still in shock and made no decsion until later that day.

I remember walking out of the office and had to get on the elevator with a woman who was so obviously pregnant and so bright and beautiful, she was truly glowing. I remember being envious because she would be able to watch this child grow. I remember when we got off the elevator this older woman asked me if I was ok and I told her I would be ok, She said it will get better honey, maybe not soon but it will eventually. And then she was gone. I remember walking out to the parking garage and stopping on the steps to call my mama, and crying through telling her we were losing the baby and that we were coming up to see her. ( I live in Jacksonville, Fl she in Kingsland, Ga) I remember that when we got to our car we both broke down. In the midst of this my ob/gyn called. Dr. McGrath is probably the most amazing person! He was truly sorry for everything going on and we could discuss our options on the phone or at his office. We chose the office at 4 pm that afternoon. We were to be his last patients for the day. On the way up to Georgia I had tears streaming down my face and just zoned out staring out of my window. I stopped crying when we hit the Georgia line and when I walked into my moms house I remember clinging to her and bawling.

She told me "baby, it's meant to be. You know deep down that everything happens for a reason and that it just means it isn't y'alls time." I remember thinking I didn't want to hear that now I just wanted to cry and grive for the child I wouldn't be able to carry. My body had been trying to reject Serenity for a while. My fiance and I made the decision to induce labor. We knew that we could not handle carrying her to full term and know that we would not be able to watch her grow up. We went to my doctors office that night and he showed us my chart and the report showing everything that was wrong with her. I believe honesty is the best policy, so does my doctor. My baby's kidneys, heart, and lungs were no where near being properly formed.

We discussed our options again and we stuck with inducing labor. Dr. McGrath called a friend at the hospital that was able to perform this procedure and got the ball rolling. Justin and I went home that night and layed in bed holding each other and crying and talking. The next morning we got up and went to breakfast. While we were waiting for our order to come out my drs office called and said your all set to go show up at the hospital asap. We ate breakfast, went home and packed some clothes and left for the hospital.  The doctor there did a conformation sonogram, things were still bad :( I was admitted on March 10, 2011 at around 1 pm. By roughly 5 I was in a delivery room hooked up to an iv and a monitor for the baby and my contractions. I was drugged very heavily and do not remember much. I remember Justins mom being there and I remember that we moved the bed over because the one side was to crowded. I remember Justin never letting go of my hand. I remember waking up at one point and see the earthquake.tsunami that hit japan. I remember waking up being in immense pain and demanding more drugs, often I did this.

I remember that the stupid bulb they had put in my bleed alot and was uncomfortable. I also remember that there was one point that I had to pee horrible and when I started to pee the bulb came out. IMMENSE reliefe, but only briefly. About 2 minutes after the bulb came out I had the most horrible sensation of having to go poop. I was horrifide, I couldn't get out of bed and I refused to go in the bedpan. The nurse came in and I kept telling her I had to go to the bathroom. It seemed like no matter how many ways I put it she wasn't getting it. I finally just said look I have to shit can I get up please. She dropped her arms and said are you sure you have to boo boo or is it the baby coming? I felt the color drain out of my face.I always thought that it was a joke that delivery with no epidural felt like taking a really big shit. The nurse checked and started frantically paging for the doctor.

At 2:46 am March 11,2011 Serenity Grace Dirghalli was born. She was beautiful. WE had looked at pictures online of other babies with her condition and were expecting the worse. She was this tiny gorgeous smiling baby doll. The spot on her head was hardly notciable, or to me it seemed that way but then again I had ALOT of pain meds in me. She was tiny. One of her hands was maybe the size of my thumb. Het feet were just as small. Het little fingers remind me of pieces of string because they were so small and thin. I couldn't hold her though. I was afraid I was going to drop her because of the pain meds and frankly I was already falling back into sleep.

We were released around 9 am on the same morning. I remember thinking it was so bright outside, but then i had just spent most of the day in a windowless room. It was a bright beautiful day and I had just lost my baby girl. We donated her body to the pathology department so that maybe her body can help further understand what causes Acrania and why and how to cure it.

Today, 2 months and 5 days later I am still not handling it to well. I am terrified of getting pregnant again. I refuse to let my finace touch me in any intimate way. We have problems that before were trival but now seem major. The best thing about losing Serenity is that I know that one day I will see her again and that one day there will be a cure. It may not be in my time or my childrens time or even my grandchildrens time but it will happen one day. We now know we can handle anything no matter what it is. We are also planning on getting married, as long as we can work through our problems which I believe we can. I still have days when I wish she was here, but I know she is better off in God's hands. I know one day I will have another baby, but right now it is to soon, the wound is to fresh.

if you have sat there and read through all of this, please dry your eyes and smile. Serenity came and went with a beautiful smile on her face and though we have our bad days we have choosen to remember her by making the best of each day and smiling as much as possible. I am slowly working my way to be ok again. But I know It is a process that may take a long while. Thank you for sitting down and reading this miserable piece of my life. Now please go and enjoy your day.