Emotional

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I got my feelings bruised a bit, I guess that would be the best way to put it. For the past 2 weeks I have been staying with my mom and little sister while Justin stays with his parents. We have been waiting for his bonus check so that we can get our own place. Which thankfully comes in this Friday! Now don't get me wrong I love my family, I adore them! Family, to me, is the most important thing in this world. But I can't take living with them to much longer. I want my own bed, my own place, a place for my daughter to roam free and I won't have to worry about her messing up someone else's things. ( I know my Mom wouldn't be upset if Bella broke something but I lived with my Dad to long. If Bella went near ANYTHING he was essentially bitching at me to get her away from it. ) I want to not be seperated from the love of my life anymore. Most important I want to stop living out of a damn suitcase and being made to feel unwelcome in my own MOTHER'S house. The sad thing is, it's not my Mom making me feel this way. It's my little sister. I live out of a suitcase right now, does she really think that her little comments help me any right now? She may be joking and everyone else may believe she is joking but I don't. Even if she is, it's cruel. It doesn't matter how many times you remind her that she was once in the same situation, she doesn't care. All she wants is her space back and OUR mom back to herself. In my opinion!

It seems like every few days she makes some sort of comment and I just think " really, I'm going through so much and your going to add your petty comments on top of it?" I mean seriously sit back and think about this... She has her own room with all of her stuff in it, mine's in a friends shed. She has her own bed, mine is in my fiance's room WITHOUT me. She has the comfort of knowing her home is here regardless of her temperment, I don't feel that comfort anymore BECAUSE of her. I sometimes feel that if I piss her off it is going to create a major argument and Mom's going to say you need to find somewhere else to stay. I know she wouldn't but thats how I feel. I feel like I can't even have a private conversation with my Mama because everytime I think I can start one Shelby comes barging in and it's her house so who am I to tell her to go away.

I need some time to heal from the wounds that are split wide open on a daily basis.
Her comments, break my heart. It reminds me that I have failed my daughter in providing for her.
Certian songs that come on the radio, tears me up inside because I think of Serenity.
Not having Bella this past week, my choice I know, breaks my heart because I feel as if they look at me and think i'm horrible for letting Bella go to her daddies for the week.
I am a grown woman, I should not let the comments of a 15 year old affect me so much. But the opinions of my family matter to me, for whatever reason, they do.
I dont want to feel as if I have failed them, my daugher or more importantly myself!

On top of everything else, my Father called Mama in one of his drunk moods and decided to try to start more drama. According to him I have been getting unemployment for over a month now, and Justin has already recieved his bonus check and just doesn't want to live with me. I will NEVER understand how that man honestly believes three quarters of this SHIT that comes out of his own mouth! I told Mama that I can pull up the website that shows my benefit information, it shows how much I get a week, and what days I have to make a claim on. It also shows that NO benefits have been awarded to my account as of this moment. If Justin's bonus check had come in do you honestly think he would still be living with his parents? NO! He doesn't like family, he hates living with his parents. Whether he wanted me with him or not he still would not be staying with his parents if he already had his bonus check.

I hate that pathetic worthless drunk!!!!! There I have said it. It doesn't matter what I do with my life it will never be enough to satisfy him. No matter who I am with they will never be good enough for him. No matter how I raise MY daughter it will never be to his standards. Because I choose to have a life and not sit at a bar in my house and drink my self silly makes me a bad person. I have gone back to school to make something of my life. Yes I have no job right now, guess what it is through no fault of my own! I have looked relentlessly, nothing has turned up as of yet. I seem to recall him being unemployed for SIX months and he didn't go out looking everyday. At least I make the attempt to look. He will forever believe whatever he wants to. That's his problem, it is no longer mine. I am through with trying to please someone who will never be happy. He must first become happy with himself and his own life before he will be happy for others. The choices he made in life are his own and I will not pay for them by dealing with his sour moods and drunken rambolings. No longer will I deal with that. He is my Father and I will love him til the day I day but I do not have to  put myself through dealing with his pathetic misery.

Not all of us are perfect, hell NONE of us our. He I believe qualifies for being one of the worse. How can you tell your own child that they are lazy, worthless, a liar and a thief? Your house was always kept clean, MY room that I PAYED for may not have always been clean but you didn't have to look at it. I showed him that I was going back to school but he chooses not to believe. That's ok though because the day I graduate he is the one who will be missing out. I know that even though I will invite him, he won't show up. He'll be to busy sitting at his bar in front of the tv getting drunk. Because he chooses not to believe what multiple people have told him about others being in his home, I am the liar and thief for things going missing that I have never touched. But because he didn't see or hear it, I am the bad guy. Whatever! I'll take the blaim if it makes you feel better. It's just one more brick added to the wall that is being built between us.

Since I was a little girl my one wish has been that he would make my wedding cake. He is capable, more than. He has many talents but waste them to stay a lonely drunk. As much as it breaks my heart, he won't be the one to make it. He won't even be at my wedding if I have anything to say about it. Our wedding specifically has no alcohol at it BECAUSE of him. WE don't want OUR day ruined because of his and others drinking and causing a scene. But I know him.  He would come with a cooler and a six pack and still ruin my day because his beer is more important than giving me one day. One day with a father who is sober. One day with the father that I once had, even though it was a brief time.

Opinions though are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink! So let him have his opinions of me and my loved ones. We all have our opinions about him, sadly most of them are fact too. My life will go on. My daughter's life will go on. MY future children's life will also go on. They are better off not knowing a man who prefers the bottle and misery to his family and happiness. They and I are better off than to associate with someone who would tear you down instead of help build you up. I am an adult, I respect my parents as they have taught me to do so, as the Bible has taught me to, but I no longer have to take his hurtful cruel words.

I also no longer have to take my sisters comments and will be very glad to let her know this the next time she opens her mouth. I am working on getting back to who I was. I am NOT  this weak and timid person. I AM a strong willed woman. I am no longer going to take others crap bcause they feel as if they can walk all over me. I am not a door mat. The things I have been through in life have made me a strong person. The woman who raised me, made me a strong person. I promise you Mama I am going to be that person again. It may take time but I will get back to the old me. I rather miss that girl! I know what I want out of life an I know how to get it. If you don't agree with me and my life choices, thats your own choice. But at least love me enough to let me make my own mistakes and don't tear me down. I am going to face life head on and with a feirce attitude. I am no longer going to just take it lying down. It is my turn to show the world what I am made of. God help them all! You may not like the person that you will see in the very near future but guess what, I don't care! It's who I am, who I was raised to be. I will be that person again!