Today

I think today has been one of my better days. I didn't get extremely sad thinking of Serenity. I felt at peace more so than anything.

I often sit and wonder who decides how your life is going to turn out. Is it God or just destiny? Are our paths predetermined or do we determine it based on our decisions in life?

I sit back and I look back on my life and I think that maybe we determine our own path. I don't think that someone could be so cruel as to predetermine the rape of a child or the death of your child. I think that maybe by each decision we choose we alter the course that MAY have been planned for us.

I was told all my life I would amount to nothing more then barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. i have worked my ass of to NOT become this person. I had my oldest daughter at 19. Which in my family, at least on my Moms side, is a miracle. I did not graduate high school BUT did get my G.E.D, which is more than most of the women in the family did. I have started college, actually on week 7 now. Again more than ANY of them did. I may be unemployed but that will only be temporary, I hope.

I had my second daughter at 21, but lost her due to a rare birth defect ( read previous blog). But I would not change anything in my life. I have become a strong woman due to the things I have endured. I know that I can handle anything that is thrown my way. The old saying "God only gives you what you can handle," is so very true. My girlfriend told me the other day that she doesn't understand how, outwardly, I am handling losing Serenity so well because she would have cracked like an egg by now. I just smiled and said I'm getting through it.

I am missing my baby today. She is spending the week at her daddies. I know she is having a blast with her nana and puppies and kitties but I miss her something aweful. I can't wait until she comes home Tuesday. She is my world and honestly she is what pushes me to do better. To be better. She is what has driven me through this horrible time. Knowing that I have her to care for made me kind of realize that I can't stay in a funk forever about Serenity. I will never forget Serenity, for as long as I live I will NEVER forget her. But Bella is here, and if I don't shake off this funk I am going to wake up one day and she is going to be grown and no longer my little baby.

I feel like I am rambling today but I am thinking that maybe that is what I may need today. I have many thoughts running through my head and it seems to be all settling down since I started writing this blog.

I have to start researching some different grants and scholarships. Otherwise I am going to have an ample amount of loans to pay off when I get out of school. I really don't want to come out of school in debt any more than is absolutely necessary. I will only have a certian amount of time to pay them off and I really don't want to have more than 5k in loans and even that is WAY to much.

ok well off to shower and then start looking things up or maybe vice versa. Probably vice versa. I have to stay up with my little sister tonight so she doesn't loose her allowance and therefore her permit this week. She opened her mouth and bet Mom she could stay up all night.Mom said i'll take that bet but you have to stay up until I go to work at 9 am. :) Hopefully she will win otherwise she doesn't get to go get her permit this week.

ok seriously i'm off to do research now. lol