Two Years ... Almost

It is fast approaching two years since we lost Serenity. It almost seems impossible. I'm not even sure what to write, I really normally don't honestly. It is still hard to think that I should be able to look over and see both of my girls playing not just one. I should be putting both girls to bed not just one. I feel as if I am being punished for past mistakes.Then I kick myself in the butt for thinking such foolishness. I have not done anything in my life horrible enough to warrant this.

It's been almost two years and it is still as fresh as if it just happened. I still vividly remember the way I felt when we were told what was happening, how the technician looked and ran out to get the doctor, how the doctor looked, how we fell apart when he told us what was going on. How it felt to go to my OB/GYN that same day to discuss how to proceed. I remember the hospital stay and watching Serenity being born. I remember the look on Justin's face. I remember not being able to hold Serenity as much as I wanted to because I was so shaky from the medicine they were giving me. And I remember every day how guilty I feel because I didn't hold my little angel.

Now I wonder what life would be like if she would have been a normal healthy baby? How would she look and sound? What would her laugh sound like? Would she be just as smart as her big sister? Would they be like two peas in a pod or fighting constantly? Would I have two princesses running around or would they be completely opposite?

My biggest fear is that I am no longer able to carry a child. I am terrified really. It may be why I have not gone back to the doctor in two years. I want to know but I know it will devastate me if the answer is not what I want to hear. I am also terrified that if I am able to carry again then what happens if we lose another child? Will I be able to handle it again? I came very close to admitting myself to a psych ward when we lost Serenity. If we lose another child I will have to be admitted. I don't believe I can handle it again.

I have recently started thinking that maybe it is time to start trying again or at least start thinking about it and talking about it and figuring out if we are ready. I feel I am, I feel WE are. I would love to have a big family one day with the man that I am truly and madly in love with. I have recently caught myself thinking that I would love to start trying again but then I start feeling guilty. Am I just trying to replace the child I lost? Will I love this child more than Bella? Will I start to forget about Serenity? I know that I am not trying to Replace Serenity, forget about her, or love any child more than Bella. I will love all of my children the same.

 I talked to my mom about those questions and she told me you will feel guilty because a new baby will require more attention and blah blah blah but you will figure out the balance and will never forget the child you have lost. I have felt better since that talk but it still gives me problems and restless nights. It is hard to talk about with Justin but I know that in order to start to move on we need to talk no matter how bad it hurts.

It is time to start changing things. It is time to start talking more and I know this. It may be a long process but we can get through it. Hell we've dealt with worse than me not being open enough.

I miss Serenity every day and think about her constantly. I will never forget her, ever! It is time to start moving forward though and stop holding onto the past and the what ifs and what could have beens. I will never be able to truly heal until I do that.

Every year we go out of town on Serenity's birthday. This year we are going to Savannah. I cannot wait. I am looking forward to the time away and the time to get back to the basis of our relationship. US! I am looking forward to celebrating Serenity's birthday and the short time we had with her. I hope that with every year it gets easier to celebrate our little angel's short life. There will always be tears shed for her but I think that this year it will be happy tears. I am moving forward but never forgetting. It's time for that. For myself, for Justin, for Bella, and most importantly for Serenity. She wouldn't want her mama to be unhappy and holding on and hurting. I owe her, myself and my cozy little family that much.

Forever and Always I will love you
I will never forget you
You will be in my heart forever
You will be in my thoughts forever
It is time for Mama to move forward though

I love you my sweet angel
I was blessed with you
I will always remember your sweet face
I will forever see your sweet smile, curly hair, and pixie nose.
I miss you everyday
I love you Serenity Grace

February

It is coming up on the one year anniversary, March 11. I am dreading this day. But it all started before then really. On February 28, 2011 we found out there was a reason for concern. We had to wait until March 9th to find out that Serenity had Acrania and that she would not be coming home with us ... ever. We cried, we screamed, we begged and pleaded with God but no matter what, it didn't change what was happening. It is still so hard. I miss her everyday and will for the rest of my life. We have found a group called Compassionate Friends that has been amazing. This month was our second meting. Our first meeting (in january), I walked in and felt this amazing feeling of peace wash over me. Finally I have found a place where people understand. Everyone in the group has lost a child due to something. None have had a loss like us but they still understand the pain of losing a child.

It really is a hard time for me right now to talk about any of what happened. I have days where  I am happy and then feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't be. I know Serenity would want me to be, and it helps but not enough some days. The next few weeks are going to be hard. I am still in so much pain and hate talking to Justin about it because I feel bad for making him upset with me. It causes us problems because I won't talk to him. I know I need to. It would help tremendously if I would. But it still hurts to.

I think we are going to release balloons again this time but maybe in a different location. We went to the beach on August 4 (her due date) and some of the balloons popped from the tall grass. It was sad but refreshing at the same time. I hope this year it brings me peace again. I hope I don't stay in bed all day and shut everyone out.

I can't wait til I get a car, then I can go to the meeting myself and maybe open up some more. I feel uncomfotable with him there, again its because I feel bad for making him upset. God I miss her!

Mommy loves you Serenity Grace

life love relationships

wow so looking for a house is a pain in the rump! We've looked and looked and looked some more. It seems like at this point we'll never find anything we can agree on. on the upside we now we can get a loan for up to 100,000. Thats enough for a house and a decent wedding. Although at this point it seems like we will never be married. Here lately it seems like all we do is fight and argue. I miss the days when we barely bickered. now it seems like daily there is some sort of argument, and over the pettiest of things! I love him to death but I wish we could get back to us. Back to that ... feeling we used to have, to the way we used to be. I can not wait until we are able to finally say I DO but it seems like that day will never come. as much as we fight why would we get married. at least thats how he put it to me. I remember when we used to be able to finish each others sentences and now it seems like were not even on the same wave lengths.

It all comes back to losing Serenity. We never had problems like this until after we lost her. Its like we cant seem to get through losing her. like its always right there and no matter what we do it wont get better. I know it will one day but what if that day doesnt come soon enough and we end things never knowing what could have been. I miss the love we had. i miss the realtionship we had. i know we will never get back to that exact point. weve been through way to much to be the people we once were. god do i miss him though. i miss his laugh his smile his humor. i miss the comfort and ease we had with each other. right now it seems like were always on edge and ready to rip each others throats out. idk.

im hoping that as we continue to look for a house and continue to work on our realtionship things will get better for us. lord knows they cant get worse then what weve already been through. well it could but that possibility includes death and im not willing to think about that. i love him to death and cant imagine life without him.

i am starting to ramble and jump from topic to topic. im going to bed. all this rain is making me drowsy.  

it's been too long

Wow so much has happened since i last posted. I'm sitting outside of work waiting to go kn and I'm thinking about this past year. Its been a long rough year. But I think things are atarting to look up for us. I finally got a job!! Thank god!

We ser off balloons on August 4th. Which would have been setenity's due date. We put papers in the balloons explaining what happened and to email us if someone found the papers. Still no emails but I'm staying hopeful. Justin and I have come along way. It is still hard everyday  knowing our baby will never be in our ams or that we will never be able to watch her grow up. But thats ok because she wil forever be watching us grow up. I think it may be getting a little easier every week deing with her not being here but I still have my days where I don't wantbto get ot of bed because ita just to much to handle.

Justin and I have decided to buy a house. And no babies until wevare both ready. Guess what...km ready . He's not and I promise to wait til he's ready. Forever and always baby. Just dont take 10 years lol.

I think 3-5 will be along enough wait. I've decided that this to e around wee doing everything the way its supposed to be done. Diet exercise meds everything will be by the book as much as possible. I'm looking forward to the day when we can finally enjoy our own precious little bundle but until then
.. I have a niece due in 4'weeks that I can enjoy. I can't wait to meet Mattie Elizabeth. She's just what this family needs . A breathe of fresh air all wrapped up in a precious pink bundle.

Well its time for work.

Keep your head up and smile bright. Dream big and put your life, hopes, and dreams kn gods hands.

Emotional

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I got my feelings bruised a bit, I guess that would be the best way to put it. For the past 2 weeks I have been staying with my mom and little sister while Justin stays with his parents. We have been waiting for his bonus check so that we can get our own place. Which thankfully comes in this Friday! Now don't get me wrong I love my family, I adore them! Family, to me, is the most important thing in this world. But I can't take living with them to much longer. I want my own bed, my own place, a place for my daughter to roam free and I won't have to worry about her messing up someone else's things. ( I know my Mom wouldn't be upset if Bella broke something but I lived with my Dad to long. If Bella went near ANYTHING he was essentially bitching at me to get her away from it. ) I want to not be seperated from the love of my life anymore. Most important I want to stop living out of a damn suitcase and being made to feel unwelcome in my own MOTHER'S house. The sad thing is, it's not my Mom making me feel this way. It's my little sister. I live out of a suitcase right now, does she really think that her little comments help me any right now? She may be joking and everyone else may believe she is joking but I don't. Even if she is, it's cruel. It doesn't matter how many times you remind her that she was once in the same situation, she doesn't care. All she wants is her space back and OUR mom back to herself. In my opinion!

It seems like every few days she makes some sort of comment and I just think " really, I'm going through so much and your going to add your petty comments on top of it?" I mean seriously sit back and think about this... She has her own room with all of her stuff in it, mine's in a friends shed. She has her own bed, mine is in my fiance's room WITHOUT me. She has the comfort of knowing her home is here regardless of her temperment, I don't feel that comfort anymore BECAUSE of her. I sometimes feel that if I piss her off it is going to create a major argument and Mom's going to say you need to find somewhere else to stay. I know she wouldn't but thats how I feel. I feel like I can't even have a private conversation with my Mama because everytime I think I can start one Shelby comes barging in and it's her house so who am I to tell her to go away.

I need some time to heal from the wounds that are split wide open on a daily basis.
Her comments, break my heart. It reminds me that I have failed my daughter in providing for her.
Certian songs that come on the radio, tears me up inside because I think of Serenity.
Not having Bella this past week, my choice I know, breaks my heart because I feel as if they look at me and think i'm horrible for letting Bella go to her daddies for the week.
I am a grown woman, I should not let the comments of a 15 year old affect me so much. But the opinions of my family matter to me, for whatever reason, they do.
I dont want to feel as if I have failed them, my daugher or more importantly myself!

On top of everything else, my Father called Mama in one of his drunk moods and decided to try to start more drama. According to him I have been getting unemployment for over a month now, and Justin has already recieved his bonus check and just doesn't want to live with me. I will NEVER understand how that man honestly believes three quarters of this SHIT that comes out of his own mouth! I told Mama that I can pull up the website that shows my benefit information, it shows how much I get a week, and what days I have to make a claim on. It also shows that NO benefits have been awarded to my account as of this moment. If Justin's bonus check had come in do you honestly think he would still be living with his parents? NO! He doesn't like family, he hates living with his parents. Whether he wanted me with him or not he still would not be staying with his parents if he already had his bonus check.

I hate that pathetic worthless drunk!!!!! There I have said it. It doesn't matter what I do with my life it will never be enough to satisfy him. No matter who I am with they will never be good enough for him. No matter how I raise MY daughter it will never be to his standards. Because I choose to have a life and not sit at a bar in my house and drink my self silly makes me a bad person. I have gone back to school to make something of my life. Yes I have no job right now, guess what it is through no fault of my own! I have looked relentlessly, nothing has turned up as of yet. I seem to recall him being unemployed for SIX months and he didn't go out looking everyday. At least I make the attempt to look. He will forever believe whatever he wants to. That's his problem, it is no longer mine. I am through with trying to please someone who will never be happy. He must first become happy with himself and his own life before he will be happy for others. The choices he made in life are his own and I will not pay for them by dealing with his sour moods and drunken rambolings. No longer will I deal with that. He is my Father and I will love him til the day I day but I do not have to  put myself through dealing with his pathetic misery.

Not all of us are perfect, hell NONE of us our. He I believe qualifies for being one of the worse. How can you tell your own child that they are lazy, worthless, a liar and a thief? Your house was always kept clean, MY room that I PAYED for may not have always been clean but you didn't have to look at it. I showed him that I was going back to school but he chooses not to believe. That's ok though because the day I graduate he is the one who will be missing out. I know that even though I will invite him, he won't show up. He'll be to busy sitting at his bar in front of the tv getting drunk. Because he chooses not to believe what multiple people have told him about others being in his home, I am the liar and thief for things going missing that I have never touched. But because he didn't see or hear it, I am the bad guy. Whatever! I'll take the blaim if it makes you feel better. It's just one more brick added to the wall that is being built between us.

Since I was a little girl my one wish has been that he would make my wedding cake. He is capable, more than. He has many talents but waste them to stay a lonely drunk. As much as it breaks my heart, he won't be the one to make it. He won't even be at my wedding if I have anything to say about it. Our wedding specifically has no alcohol at it BECAUSE of him. WE don't want OUR day ruined because of his and others drinking and causing a scene. But I know him.  He would come with a cooler and a six pack and still ruin my day because his beer is more important than giving me one day. One day with a father who is sober. One day with the father that I once had, even though it was a brief time.

Opinions though are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink! So let him have his opinions of me and my loved ones. We all have our opinions about him, sadly most of them are fact too. My life will go on. My daughter's life will go on. MY future children's life will also go on. They are better off not knowing a man who prefers the bottle and misery to his family and happiness. They and I are better off than to associate with someone who would tear you down instead of help build you up. I am an adult, I respect my parents as they have taught me to do so, as the Bible has taught me to, but I no longer have to take his hurtful cruel words.

I also no longer have to take my sisters comments and will be very glad to let her know this the next time she opens her mouth. I am working on getting back to who I was. I am NOT  this weak and timid person. I AM a strong willed woman. I am no longer going to take others crap bcause they feel as if they can walk all over me. I am not a door mat. The things I have been through in life have made me a strong person. The woman who raised me, made me a strong person. I promise you Mama I am going to be that person again. It may take time but I will get back to the old me. I rather miss that girl! I know what I want out of life an I know how to get it. If you don't agree with me and my life choices, thats your own choice. But at least love me enough to let me make my own mistakes and don't tear me down. I am going to face life head on and with a feirce attitude. I am no longer going to just take it lying down. It is my turn to show the world what I am made of. God help them all! You may not like the person that you will see in the very near future but guess what, I don't care! It's who I am, who I was raised to be. I will be that person again!

Blah

So the past couple of days I have pretty much spent my day playing the ps3, I beat the game I was playing at least. I've had alot on my mind lately so I guess that has been my way of escaping. Hopefuly this time next wek we will FINALLY have our own place. At least by the end of next week would be nice. I love my Mom, Josh and Shelby but I want our own place. I want my own space! I miss seeing Justin very single day. I know I have said alot I hate having him up my butt all the time but I truly miss being with my love every second possible. I miss sleeping in the same bed as him! I don't have any one to cuddle with. Sorry but it's kind of creepy to cuddle up to your sister lol. 

Serenity has been on my mind alot lately, more so than normal anyways. It's been easier to think about her and the short time we had with her though. The pain is lessening some everytime I think about her, talk about her or say her name. Even looking at pictures from when I was pregnant is becoming easier. I don't think it's apparent to others I was pregnant, actually for most I know it isn't, but I know I was.

I think since I have vocalized that I ant some sort of memorial that it is making it easier to accept. I know she is not coming back. I fully realize that but like everyone else I have those moments when I wish she could/would. I think since making myself admit I want a memorial of some sort for Serenity it has forced me to fully comprehend that she is gone. I also fully believe that if I have somewhere I can go to that it will help. I need somewhere to put flowers. I need somewhere so that it is recognized that she was a person. That she was born and died. That our baby was here. She made her mark on our lives and will never be forgotten to us. I don't want her forgotten to others either.

I know for us and our immediate family and friends she will never be forgotten. They may not have been able to see her as we did, which for some I am grateful, but they witnessed the physical changes and felt her move inside of me. I remember nights when Justin and I would lay in bed for hours and he'd have his hand on my stomache just waiting for her to move and she wouldn't, until he pulled his hand away. Almost everytime she did that. I always thought it was hilarious. There were plenty of times that she kicked his hand horribly as if it was aggravating her territory, it was cute. I remember the first time I felt her mofe, I was in the shower and washing my belly and she started squirming. It was the best feeling getting to feel her move for the first time. I remember trying to sleep at night and being kept up all night because I wouldn't lay the way she wanted me to. She would kick forever untill I layed on my back, then she'd quiet down and then I could sleep.

I remember how we used to rub cocoa butter on my belly and sides everynight and how Bella would help us. Justin used to kiss my belly all the time and Bella started doing it to. She used to rub my belly to. I miss those moments but I cherish the memories. Serenity's lifetime was not that of a regular person. She did not get to live to be old. But instead she will be preserved forever in her youthful beauty. I can only hope that the next go round will turn out a healthy baby. I can only hope that I never tarnish Serenity's name and will always be able to make her proud of us. I can't wait to be able to tell Bella about the little sister she never got to meet but already loved. I hope to one day be able to raise more awareness for Acrania so that others may one day be able to prevent their pregnancy from ending in death and grief.

Serenity

I have so much grief pent up inside me. I feel as if I must be strong for maybe one to many people. I have no where to go visit her. No grave site, no memorial bench, tree or garden. I feel that maybe if we had a headstone or some sort of memorial then maybe I could get through this process better.

I've been thinking alot lately about looking into a headstone for Serenity. Something sweet and simple, just as she was. Something that simply states:

Serenity Grace Dirghalli
Born & Passed on
March 11, 2011
2:46 am  - 2:50 am

In our hearts forever.
Mommy & Daddy will
always love you &
never forget you


Sweet and simple. The more I think about this idea the better it sounds to me. If I just had somewhere to go. Some sort of acknowledgment that she was someone. That I am not just grieving a dream or a thought. Something to let the world know that my baby girl was here, even if just briefly. I haven't brought this idea up to Justin yet but I have a wonderful feeling he would go along with it. Even if he didn't want to he would do it for me. He would understand that I need something somewhere showing that she exist. I so desperately need something.

I spent the day with my baby sister today. Schools out so we enjoyed our time together. We walked up to the store and got a drink then walked across the street to the cemetery where our great aunt & uncle is buried. After we located their grave sites, with a beautiful headstone btw, we walked around looking at other sites. Yes some will say this is morbid but I think it's nice to walk around and wonder what these peoples lives must have been like. As we were walking we also picked up some of the fallen flowers, gifts, and flags that the wind has recently knocked down. One of the sites that Shel fixed was that of an infants. I almost started crying. Shel had made a comment about how she thought sometimes the parents just forgot about their lost children because some of the sites looked like they had not been visited in a while. Old flowers and treasures and such. I told her No baby you never forget. It eventually gets easier to remember and be at peace but you will never forget. Then I told her about my idea for a headstone for Serenity. She agrees that it's a great idea. She thinks it will help everyone if there could be a place for us to go to see Serenity.

I think I will soon be looking into what it takes to inter just a headstone in the cemetery. We never had a chance for a funeral because we donated Serenity's body to the pathology department. With hopes that one day there is a cure. Or a method of prevention besides taking folic acid constantly.