Blah

So the past couple of days I have pretty much spent my day playing the ps3, I beat the game I was playing at least. I've had alot on my mind lately so I guess that has been my way of escaping. Hopefuly this time next wek we will FINALLY have our own place. At least by the end of next week would be nice. I love my Mom, Josh and Shelby but I want our own place. I want my own space! I miss seeing Justin very single day. I know I have said alot I hate having him up my butt all the time but I truly miss being with my love every second possible. I miss sleeping in the same bed as him! I don't have any one to cuddle with. Sorry but it's kind of creepy to cuddle up to your sister lol. 

Serenity has been on my mind alot lately, more so than normal anyways. It's been easier to think about her and the short time we had with her though. The pain is lessening some everytime I think about her, talk about her or say her name. Even looking at pictures from when I was pregnant is becoming easier. I don't think it's apparent to others I was pregnant, actually for most I know it isn't, but I know I was.

I think since I have vocalized that I ant some sort of memorial that it is making it easier to accept. I know she is not coming back. I fully realize that but like everyone else I have those moments when I wish she could/would. I think since making myself admit I want a memorial of some sort for Serenity it has forced me to fully comprehend that she is gone. I also fully believe that if I have somewhere I can go to that it will help. I need somewhere to put flowers. I need somewhere so that it is recognized that she was a person. That she was born and died. That our baby was here. She made her mark on our lives and will never be forgotten to us. I don't want her forgotten to others either.

I know for us and our immediate family and friends she will never be forgotten. They may not have been able to see her as we did, which for some I am grateful, but they witnessed the physical changes and felt her move inside of me. I remember nights when Justin and I would lay in bed for hours and he'd have his hand on my stomache just waiting for her to move and she wouldn't, until he pulled his hand away. Almost everytime she did that. I always thought it was hilarious. There were plenty of times that she kicked his hand horribly as if it was aggravating her territory, it was cute. I remember the first time I felt her mofe, I was in the shower and washing my belly and she started squirming. It was the best feeling getting to feel her move for the first time. I remember trying to sleep at night and being kept up all night because I wouldn't lay the way she wanted me to. She would kick forever untill I layed on my back, then she'd quiet down and then I could sleep.

I remember how we used to rub cocoa butter on my belly and sides everynight and how Bella would help us. Justin used to kiss my belly all the time and Bella started doing it to. She used to rub my belly to. I miss those moments but I cherish the memories. Serenity's lifetime was not that of a regular person. She did not get to live to be old. But instead she will be preserved forever in her youthful beauty. I can only hope that the next go round will turn out a healthy baby. I can only hope that I never tarnish Serenity's name and will always be able to make her proud of us. I can't wait to be able to tell Bella about the little sister she never got to meet but already loved. I hope to one day be able to raise more awareness for Acrania so that others may one day be able to prevent their pregnancy from ending in death and grief.